he's 24. he finally texted me instead of using facebook chat. baby steps.
last night you decided it was time to "get organized" and "straighten out your life." You pulled out a bag of troll dolls, sorted through them and got nostalgic. You demanded both andy and i take one and keep it forever.
My landlord doesn't knock anymore when he shows the apt... So i just had sex in front of a family.
didn't stop?
naw, they were rude, not me.
My sink just fell out of the wall. I can't deal with this right now
So recap time do u remember biting that girls hand?
2 rounds of irish car bombs have already been taken to your 5 year sober anniversary
I am convinced that after two dates and a few adult sleepovers that he still doesn't know my name.
I just got carded by a ten year old.
When are you going to accept the fact he is gay?
Come on... He's just practicing.
Ok. That's acceptable.
he had a Pillsbury dough boy tattoo to remind him of his drug dealing days
forgot to tell you your neighbor walked out of her house this morning just as I was leaving shirtless
I hope you get stoned and think that you're a seal in shark infested waters
MAGGIE IS ON MY COUCH PETTING AN HONEST TO CHRIST ARMADILLO AND SOBBING INTO HOT CHOCHOLATE. WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO TO HER.
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
The Adderall says yes, but my body says no.
Randomize
