The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
just did the walk of shame by his grandma. what the fuck is an old lady doing up at six am?
my dentist asked me why my tooth was chipped, i told him i couldn't remember. i think he understands.
pretty sure i saw you masturbating on chatroulette a minute ago. yes, i can recognize your cock
I THOUGHT I SAW YOU
i chipped my tooth tryin to cut thru her pantyhose. that stuff is bulletproof.
I think they were cool with it, they should have know if I was the host of the baby shower it was going to involve a keg and jager shots.
well someone pooped in the lint basket in the laundry room last night, but none of us will admit to it so we're all just secretly judging each other and doubting ourselves.
Apparently I took one a huge picture off the wall at the bar and was walking around dancing with it..
If there's so much of a hint of a whisper from somebody I didn't tell personally, I will cut off your balls with a chainsaw, cauterize the wound with a flaming rusty spoon, feed your balls to your dog, and feed them to you when he shits them out, capiche?
We were debating whether you had hooked up with him. I was right for the record.
I fell asleep in the tanning bed, naked, for an hour and a half and I guess they couldn't wake me up so they called the fire department...and they came in while I was passed out naked...
I'm the kind of girl who misses her mouth when trying to eat, do you honestly think I'm coordinated enough to wear heels during sex?
Dude I swear I'm scooping human shit out of the litter boxes. What the fuck happened last night?
After 2 minutes he came and said, "thanks for everything". I can't wait to hear what he says next time when I do more than just lay there.
What happened to you last night?
SO. MANY. SHOTS.
Randomize
