I wanna bring you to show and tell
you dont remember trying to break dance in the middle of the casino floor on ur own throw up?
oh that explains alot.
I woke up this morning really drunk with my Christmas lights on and two owls in my bed.
If I die and they 'assume' it's natural causes, just go with it.
I knew we were gonna fuck after she told me she's seen that Porno before
she's not going to take you seriously with an empty 40 and a sombrero on your head.
at least he lost his v-card with a bang... or should i say the clap.
Hey, I can't get ahold of Tommy. Let him know his ex-girlfriend is pregnant.
3 girls crying in the bathroom at the bar. Its like a Christmas song
I found a digiorno pizza in my washing machine.
We were laying in the basement dry humping to the rhythm of the washing machine
If I got to choose how I die, it would be in an Olympic sized pool of gin and tonic.
3 words: harry potter burlesque. My life is so much more awesome than yours right now.
I know this shouldnt be a problem, but there are too many women hitting on me. I dont know what to do
YOU'D BE LIKE A MERMAID! I'll bring you coffee filters to cover your tits.
Randomize
