I just showed my boobs to our astate representative hahahahahahha
Its a long story, but I have superglue on my tongue
Just realized Ive had sex in or around each thing listed in Green Eggs and Ham besides the fox.
Why are there hooting douchebags outside my building? Did a sport happen again?
dude when I get home wanna help me fulfill my dream of smoking a bowl out of my saxophone?
Never thought I'd say this but the maple syrup flavored vodka probably wasn't our best idea
Got high again and all I want to do is wave this flag around
I just remembered that we had an in-depth conversation about how it was too stressful to wear pants.
You kept sacrificing me last night. You would just yell out "Virgin Sacrifice!!" and then throw me into a circle of men.
Did you clean his pubes up off the table yet?
My dream date: Hotdogs/nachos from the bar & tequila. Is that too much to ask?
Just saw a government minister puke and rally.
Just found an airplane bottle of whiskey and I didn't put it in my coffee. I think I deserve a little recognition this morning.
you said, "the pool was totally tequila. and i left my shoe halfway across town. and by shoe i mean car" it appeared to me that you didn't have your shoes or car.
you said you heard a baby, so i told you to go feed it. you came back 2 hours later with a pizza and when i asked you where the baby went you pointed to the pizza and puked.
Randomize
