last night i used 411 to try and contact britney spears.
dollar well spent
yea pretty sure we followed the trail of your spaghetti-o vomit to find the car
I went from a chick that didn't like to have sex to one that can't get enough of it. I can't believe I'm going to say this but at 27 I think I need a happy medium
She kept saying 'I love you' but i couldn't tell if she was talking to me or to her beer.
I feel like college is just one giant drunken trip to Taco Bell
Attempting to teach the cat how to shake. I need a job.
He told me about how he pissed his pants last weekend like it was a normal part of conversation. Within 10 minutes I was going home with him. I think he put me under some kind of spell.
Dude made his own urinal by punching a hole in the wall and pissing in it rather than waiting in line. That is the stuff of legends.
If I had pants on, you wouldn't be getting this text message
Don't blame me. I told you I didn't know if I had a key to those hancuffs.
When he pulled it out last night I asked if that was as hard as it was going to get. I think I may have offended him.
He was asleep with his head on a windowsill and you were petting his head, then you almost left the kitchen and then went back to pet him some more.
Is eating a dinner of fishsticks and gin mean you're failing at adulthood? I'm asking for a friend.
Of course I fucked him. He was wearing a rainbow cock sock and cowboy boots.
Can u pick me up? Lost my keys.
Sure. FYI- you "lost" them on the roof, trying to throw them over the house.
Randomize
