My relationship with VH1 is so bittersweet
found a ham sandwich in the elevator it tasted so hungry and it was still fresh. dont be mad at me. you know you love ham.
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
Is it just me or did a policeman park your car last night?
the laptop wouldn't balance on his lap. that's how well endowed he is.
It's "your husband had his mouth on my vagina" awkward.
With your fertility you would just get contact pregnant
They have a booking log online so i can just check that instead of call
Technology: making bailing your sister out easier since 2008
he kept saying that we were in ian's fun time place and then continued to act like a dinosaur.
The only thing stopping me from having sex with you in my parents jacuzzi bathtub is the knowledge that they've already had that idea themselves
Time is so short and I miss you. (I just watched that commercial where the people all laugh and get older and die.)
He wants to buy me a drink to apologize for sending me a pic of his dick. Welcome to my life.
Bro.. I am absolutely going to have sex with our old middle school health teacher
What's the world record for number of orgasms reached on ones birthday? Asking for a friend.
Just packed vodka and spare underwear into my purse- totally set for watching the hockey with him tonight
Randomize
