You just took 4 shots. 2 of them were maple syrup.
Why are handjobs necessary in class?
Unless I'm getting a singing midget telegram, I'm not going to smile
It's shedding
I told you penises don't tan
I think it might be brain cancer. Hangovers can't be this bad
it's been like two and a half months. And I swear, I keep seeing walking dicks. I think I'm going crazy cause of lack of sex..
Jared is "trying to bite a strangers hat off" drunk. Oh, and that stranger is a girl at a table of 5 guys, one girl.
I tried to make friends with the geese living behind Hughes. They didn't really like that idea.
Are you high?
Woke up fully clothed in bed sleeping on my purse.....we're back!!!
I was fed cake in bed and then was pinned down and ridden till I came. And then fed more cake. I'm going to marry Brad. I'll put money on it.
dying me prepared for dead me... i woke up with my laptop open to the last snl episode, a bottle of gatorade, advil and a bag of chocolate all next to me
He's gonna be like you slept with too many of my friends and you're being voted off the island haha
You keep making the old jokes & I'm gonna come down with a sudden case of low-estrogen related vaginal dryness..
All I want is some guy to eat me out while I work on grad school things then go on his way
My fuck it list is complete! I finally got a firefighter!
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