imagine playing with puppies while we're drunk.
Like... we could film it and put like, "do you believe in magic" as the backround song and it would be complete joy.
where'd the toddler underneathe the beer pong table come from?
Guess which frat house I just walked out of! And on a related note... guess who's uncircumsized
It's 11am on 4/20 and I'm already in urgent care.
I fucked her wearing an American flag. Now here I am, awake, naked, and flag less. How do I report this to the police?
When you are old and getting humped by saggy balls every other weekend you are gonna wish you had more sex with freshly legal boys. Your vagina will thank you one day. Don't let her down.
I jumped out of a moving car going sixty into my driveway because I had to shit so bad. It is not a good day today.
I'm still high with raccoon eyeliner eyes and chocolate all over my face and chest, clutching a mug of wine. Happy graduation.
I found where he bartends and I guarantee you that in approximately nine months from this Friday, you will have a niece
I only get hit on by people going through their midlife crisis. Yes, I did purposely write that gender neutral.
We ate sushi in a hospital bed, then fucked in a bathroom while I wore a gown. Pretty sure she's the one
So the 25yr old smokeshow I fucked last night said "Prepare to be disappointed" as he put the condom on. I was. 40 is bullshit.
Of fucking course I get my period on Valentine's Day...
Just watched a guy open his car door, puke, close it, and resume driving. Happy Monday.
He ate me out in a limo while we were driving home. I love bars being open again!
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