oh. my. god. the guy i hooked up with last night is currently wearing a dress.
I'm drinking till I'm someone else's problem
Thanks for the birthday present, i had so much fun playing with it
Are you talking about my vagina?
I finally beat you i just fucked my professor last night!!!\n\n
sry, psychiatrist trumps professor
she requested me as her brother on facebook.... biggest. letdown. ever.
Just tried to use the bottle of Sprite in my car as mouthwash to get the taste of puke out of my mouth- it's half vodka. Puked again. Thanks man.
Woke up in my underwear and Christmas sweater. Only. Eggnog has won the battle but not the war.
Tell me you didn't really piss in the hookah.
The friend zone. He put me in the friend zone. But said he still wants me to suck his dick. I'm in the dick sucking friend zone and I want to die.
I just ran your car into a ups truck....but on a up note I have a handle of fireball and breakfast burritos
Made a pinky promise to a lesbian on crack in WeHo. No one knows what I promised
Whatever. I just want to indulge in this mcchicken and forget all about his tiny penis.
He made me watch a sex tape him and his gf made. They were in the shower when her roommate walked in on them. Not kidding: she asked to join in.
I hate him. He gets laid, my dick gets laughed at.
I feel like it should at least be like a "hey look I'm actually fine that I drunkenly gave you my virginity!" friend request.
my mom asked me why i was covered in scratches, blood, and dirt this morning..i answered "i was planking obviously" and walked away
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