I Once took so much Ecstacy that I tried to hug a fire.
i love when people i haven't talked to since we fucked write on my wall.
Captain Phil from deadliest catch died... im trying to think of a memorial fb status but "ill miss your crabs" doesnt sound right
He just stabbed two olives and a pickle with a fork and deep throated it in front of my family
Not even marginally surprised
He just pushed one of his testicles up into his stomach and called himself lance armstrong. I can't make this shit up.
I'm really not interested in hearing from him. Unless there is casual sex involved
I'm just so happy. I go to sleep and when I wake up there will be chocolate milk and penis.
took over 12 bombs tonight and we still aren't hooking up. Wait how am I functioning
it's just not right when you're boyfriend has a nicer ass than you do.
Ok, they now been on the roof for two days. I can see 4 cases of teecate and a carton of smokes. They are yelling at "fucking fall" and pissing off the roof.
So shaving my butt whilst humming "be prepared" is now in my top five weirdest Friday night activities.
My dad called me in the middle of the night, drunk on vodka, asking for references on the Irish alphabet.
I wrote life affirmations on my notes to repeat and read several times a day so I become a better person, see the time on the toilet has been constructive
i gotta say this to some one...... my penis feels sooooooooo sooooooft, its amazing
like for real, sooooooooooooooo smoooooooooooooth its amazing
I can't wait for you to read this text tomorrow
This is my life. Currently ordering a gift for my straight married girlfriend's husband from my lesbian married girlfriend.
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