So I went into my gym pretty wasted and asked the trainer guy if i could order a cock meat sandwich. Needless to say, I'm canceling my membership tomorrow.
this party is like a fast-foward into the future when im 40 and married with children
maybe after you take off her top her face will be hotter
Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
My dad just knocked on my door and told me that my vibrator was too loud
I tried to put a seat belt on in the shower. And I'm 80% sure I ate soap.
Your tequila is gone. I suggest you bring more home before you go out for dinner. Money is taped to mailbox.
officially christened the dorm room by sucking my spilled drink off the floor. tastes like homee
Stephen I'm in a lecture and the lecturer just said 'you can CHOOSE to put something in your mouth and swallow it" i'm the only one here who burst out laughing, this is awkward. Thought you'd appreciate it.
They'll never let you practice medicine.
You are the human incarnation of a drinking problem
I used the phrase "love child of quasimodo and cyclops " in a sentence today.
His parents came home, and now I'm hiding in a closet; awaiting death at dawn.
You are always hiding in a closet though??
I literally have a pirate chest of slutty clothing.
Last night I tried to apply for a job at ihop. That drunk.
I figure I since I made out with him that I at least had to save his number in my phone.
Randomize
