Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
shes the kind of girl i dont like to talk to unless my penis is in her mouth.
I'm picking out a half way decent top so if I get arrested I'll have a respectable mug shot photo. Always be prepared.
You know there's only so much I can do with a great personality.
so there is either a lot of blood or a lot of wine in the shower....
Definately laid on the floor of the shower this morning drinking the water as it fell on me.
REAL PEOPLE DRINK 3 BEERS ALONE WILL WATCHING THE LIFETIME MOVIE ABOUT PRINCE WILLIAM AND KATE MIDDLETON
Listen, don't freak out when you walk out on me masturbating in front of my roommate. No homo. He just needs to be put to his place.
Seriously, I want to give you a plaque thanking you for your dedicated service to my vagina.
Don't worry, I'm preparing for tonight by lining my purse with a garbage bag.
It's statistically impossible for there not to be at least one guy sexting you right now
Also... I'm unsure what to do with my face while someone is choking me during sex. Like I feel like its hard to look flattering.
I'm gonna eat more dunkaroos to cope with what's in my vagina.
I just made some sangria and taking a roadie on my stroller walk around the hood! Parenting at its finest
Alex thinks he can revoke my dick privileges haha.
Isn't he the one getting all the privileges ?
Randomize