Successfully pulled the houdini tonight. Check that off my list.
and then he said that some chick told him he danced like an epileptic on crystal meth. he then proceeded to demonstrate this statement, which i can testify is 100% accurate.
I want you to know that after i type the word "your" vagina is next on my predictive tex
If I'm going to go gay, i'm not going to go for a tiny dick.
so,apparently a side effect from having sex on the beach is now i have a tanline shaped like your sister
i hate you
just had a memory of me telling homeless mark that it was the year of the bunny and he said "you da bunny, girl"
ttyl tear gas
You wouldnt be able to explain the can of green beans in my mailbox, would you?
I made a blanket fort and am drinking Gatorade and eating donuts watching 500 days of summer. I can't keep spending my saturdays like this.
Just bought weed from the ice cream man. The kid in front of me got a tootie fruitie.
All I'm saying is that any 24 year old guy who sends me a snapchat from the vantage point of his dick with the caption "hiding behind my weiner" is off my list potentially dateable guys.
I appreciate you letting me know that the bird died but why didn't you do something about the corpse? or at least give me a heads up that it was still in the cage..Jesus
you have no idea how hungover I am. I can't deal with death right now.
My dad just asked if I could bring snacks to jail this weekend. Like what does he think this is, some type of adult play date?
okay we need to get tested.
no YOU need to get tested. I'm just going along for the ride.
Dad danced on top of the bar with me last night. And has a video of me doing a beer bong.
Randomize
