You dirty dirty liar I like the way you twitter
Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
our landlord thinks we're weird & alcoholics. he came in to fix our broken tub and saw the laundry door on our table for beer pong, the garbage bag full of empty fifths, and that one armed baby on the doorstep. plus he saw us swimming and yargging in our pirate pool that one time.
Hey so summary of last night. I threw up in a rain boot then tipped it over on my bed, did my laundry and passed the fuck out. I feel like I didn't see you.
Disregard that. She just puked into her boot and started screaming.
It took me 6months to figure out that he only had one testicle.
Soooo how am i supposed to explain to my mom that i was admitted to the hospital but you kidnapped me within 20 minutes?
He kept calling my vagina a magic clam, and it was speaking to him, telling him to feed it his penis. I played along.
he may be homeless but his dick however is not... anymore.
So aparently telling your roommate you're going to spoon them so hard in the public place of their employment is inappropriate
When you get home...find me in the shower. Only safe place at the moment.
It's not your birthday unless mom picks you up at the bar
What kind of terrible faithless God would allow vodka and one ply toilet paper to coexist?
I stole an accordion from the bar
Accidentally
I'm having ragrets about stealing the accordion
I just want to smoke weed and be the little spoon all winter. My modern day hibernation.
Randomize
