if your leaving for the weekend then im farting on your pillow
Don't be mad at me. I know peeing in your drawer is 1 thing and peeing on you while you're sleeping is another, but im sorry..i love you
I'm wayyy too drunk to be in a parade right now
How many times a week can a couple have a threesome with the same guy before it becomes some sort of 3-way relationship?
Let's just say that watching the sunrise in a space helmet is really the only way to do it.
Im otw to class. I was at the Library. Just past three girls with a bottle of tequila playing dizzy bat.
It was the textbook our-balls-touched-while-engaged-in-a-threesome-with-our-bosses-wife conversation.
It amazes and alarms me I'm not shocked to read that.
You were so drunk you decided to go out of the car window instead of using the door, once you realized what you had just done you said fuck it and went back in through the window
I left my pipe in my center console with a bowl packed when I took my car to the shop, and when I picked it up the weed had been smoked, but my oil change was only half price.
I was living a snoop dogg song I fucked her on the floor so I wouldn't mess up my bed
He came over last night and as soon as we started having sex Siri announced "you've arrived at your destination." I think it was some kinda sign
I'll admit it. It was a bad idea to sneak a fart out while she was taking a nap. Can you bring me a pair of underwear from my dresser. Preferably the one with the walruses in party hats one.
I'll have to start mass sending dong pics to get the recognition I deserve
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
drunk boyfriend and drunk me are NOT meant for each other
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