Riddle me this. What had unbelievable sex, and finally understands the meaning that things come better in pairs?
I hate you
Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
whats a positive sounding word for "exploit"?
Tonight's trip to the ER was brought to you by, "fork jousting."
Found our threesome girl. She says I'm pretty. She doesn't know I'm pregnant. Yet. Think we can pull it off?
I have six drafts of messages to you that just say "blood" and I have no idea where they came from.
I'm afraid you are becoming too bourgeois with your switch from boxed wine to bottled.
Please acknowledge the sock on the door. If not it will be rammed up your ass.
I made people serenade her before talking to her and went on a condom run. If I'm going to be in the friend zone, I'm going to be its fucking king.
I need vodka and champagne for my new favorite drink, vodkapagne. Alternative spellings are "vodkapain" and "vom-machine"
I just read through our messages from yesterday and realized we both referred to me tearing my penis as a good thing. What the fuck.
He looked at me and just said "moist". The entire party shut down from uncomfortableness. He is an anti-party wizard.
I'm sitting at dinner with my family looking over sexts. The thirst is far too real. They're talking about retail and I'm like haha, yes, you are all correct.
Remember that cop that blew me in the parking lot a few weeks ago? He's possibly with his wife and kids shopping at Target.
She called a 10 year old handsome and we gave her a look that was equal parts confused and “what the hell is wrong with you”
Randomize
