Your favorite bartender is back from prision
Their wedding is on my 21st birthday. I fail to see a way that this could end poorly.
a price tag just fell out of my vag. i guess its worth $13.99...
That haircut screams I'm 35 but I still eat pussy.
Sitting in a bubble bath with my bong, how's your morning?
Either he was jacking off or having a seizure next to me in bed. Either way, I was too lazy to help.
remind me to get a blood sugar test this week. I'm pretty sure I'm a mojito away from diabetes.
Literally I thought my ears were pouring out blood. That high.
I feel like this is the moment of high where you have to write these texts down to remember to text them and feel that somehow this is important to the continuity of the world.
I went in to wake you up this morning and you had a condom draped across your throat like a necklace. There were no boys in the house last night, what were you doing?
Actually I more feel like I'm on a ship about to grab the holy grail off an island
The ship is me being high the holy grail is some profound idea I'm about to have
Thanks for the Beyonce article. In other news, I just passed a man with the state of Florida tattooed on his face.
he went to the bathroom at 5am only to come back and squeeze my boob before going back to sleep
Blacked out and showed everyone my nudes. They toasted to my nudes, and I got an outstanding ovation.
You wouldn't happen to know why there's an inflatable monkey riding a mattress on my roof would you?
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