my number is 615-555-1212, <3 your favorite asshole
Pick my eyebrow is burning. I'm sitting in the back of dolows vat and listening to jolly music and wilfgang is signing and looking food. Cute kid. Home is where I go now.
what. the. fuck.
I hate fucking guys that don't drink coffee. My morning hangover and shame will not be cured by your stupid tea.
I lost count of how many people I peed on last night.
You're just mad that I don't wanna have dugout sex with you
Most violent shit of my life. New Years resolution of eating better is already kicking me in the face.
THERE IS A WINE CUBE IN MY ASS THIS IS NOT GOING AS PLANNED
We are buying drugs from a guy with a Jesus fish on his dodge caravan.
You are so predictable. I am willing to bet 20$ that instead of going out you are sitting on your couch, stoned, watching Seinfield re-runs and eating cheezits.
1. they're goldfish. 2 fuck you
Some girl came up to us crying that she lost her phone and you said "if it's meant to be, let it be"
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. It doesn't matter what it's about. Last text was about a homeless dude
also I saw his dick in the morning light and it was glorious. Like staring upon your birthday cake you ordered from heaven and going " can't wait to eat that later"
I woke up this morning with my hand on his dick. That sneaky bastard.
I fit in backpacks. BOOM HERE I AM! Like a stripper from a cake.
Definitely went to court without a bra and panties because Mr. LastNight’s dog stole them. I guarantee you I was the only lawyer going commando in court
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