Your mouth is God's brothel.
Dude ... paraplegic porn is really creative..
my credit card is covered in vodka and bad memories
Great. My funeral dress now smells of smoke and disappointing sex.
I'm sorry. I know you didn't expect me to be arm deep in vagina when you walked through the door.
the only consolation to the fact that i puked in public today was that i did it down a storm drain... so at least i am a responsible public puker
We tried. It's impossible to cum while bouncing on a trampoline. It's like trying to sneeze while keeping your eyes open.
The best part is every argument that she makes from here on out will be refuted by "Oh hey remember that time you shit yourself wearing someone else's sweatpants at a frat party?"
I just rolled over in bed and felt a bump. Turns out it was a lil nug. Talk about being princess and the weed.
If you hear a sad honk in the wind it is me.
I woke up and found a stick of butter in my pocket. There's no butter in the house so I don't know who's it is. Using it to make cookies.
i would never take his side over yours. you coulda gotten knocked up from another dude and i'd be right there next to you blaming it on him saying some shit like "his sperm were just too sub par for you" or "shoulda had a bigger penis"
In all the years we have had drunk sex, have we ever done it in a bed?
Sometimes I just take my boobs out of my shirt so they can get some fresh air
I'm like a great zombie Jesus.
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