The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
That's what happens when you let Keystone Light make your decisions.
While you were in the ER we decided to tailgate in the parking lot until security told us that's not allowed.
Cookies. Watch out fir falling satellites.
Nothing gets you judged faster than having cum in your hair at the gas station.
The paramedics were not my fault this time.
My goal in life is to ruin sex for someone. To be so mindblowingly unreal that they can never find anyone like me ever again. So far it's going well.
Her hotness level dropped from an 8 to a 2 as soon as I walked into her place. It REEKED of cat piss and there was no litter box and NO CATS.
I touched a dick in church today
That's the second time the same cop pulled me over well a different girl was giving me road head
Did we kick in my basement door last night?
Yes. I think you actually bought tennis shoes specifically for that application.
Shit. My boss is having me meet and greet with the new doc upstairs. Do you think his doctor powers will detect that I'm still high?
why is half of my head shaved?
Okay so as of now, we may either be coming for one night, two nights, or not at all this weekend. It depends on Laura's toe and if I get my period. Will explain later
Omg. I checked my purse this morning and I'm pretty sure drunk me stole a frat guys tube of crest 3d white toothpaste. Like that's pretty fucked up but I think if I knew someone did that to me I'd probably still invite them over again cuz I'd be like, "this girl's creative, and has good hygiene."
Randomize
