so now that im really awake i see that my underwear are completely ripped down the side, my shorts are on backwards, i have to go get plan b....i call last night an epic fail or success depending on how catholic i am feeling
Oh I woke up in my neighbors garage using one of their sleeping bags, as my neighbor was doing laundry in there.
You don't seem to appreciate the rareness of his junk.
Send me a picture. I'm more of a visual learner.
Couple of things: my nipples are blue and knowing that at some point I'm going to have to poop is incredibly terrifying
I don't know if I want to live in a world where i can't fuck an exes brother.
And you will no longer be getting a thank you note from my vagina
If you don't get head tonight I will castrate you
Seriously. Castrate.
Nothing like a false "my-dad-found-my-weed" alarm on Christmas day.
Dude, I puked in the stall for God knows how long. Halfway through, a kid sits down in the stall next to me and starts jacking off, i heard the porn on his phone and everything. so FYI, the middle stall is where good nights go to die
Do you know how hard it is to was the scent of sex from your hair in a gas station bathroom?!
I just hit on a guy in a doughnut store... is that too suggestive?
I need to find parents that want to take care of a grown adult. I'm sure there's a website out there for that. Like a sugar daddy but sugar parents.
I think the hamburger goblin stole my cigarettes. I left my purse behind her table and they're not in it now.
Our Uber driver pulled over to show us Tinder some dick pics. Top that.
There are 6 of us in a mini cooper and his maid is in the trunk...she needed a ride.
Randomize