She challenged me to a game of rock-paper-scissors for her virginity. I love this girl.
i had to cut you off after you shoved a bunch of bottle caps in your mouth and pretended you had braces.
It's been so long since i rode in a trunk. I'm riding in a trunk btw
I don't know what it is about vodka that make me ruin relationships.
Oh nbd. She just had sex with a divorcee. On a charter bus. At 10 a.m. On a Thursday.
Well last time he got out of rehab he lasted 6 hours. So 3 days this time is quite an accomplishment.
Brought him brownies before taking his pants off. I'm like the Martha fucking Stewart of booty calls. Walk of shame be damned.
What's sign language for "you may not be the father?" Kinda important right now.
I have one of those hangovers where you visualize how awesome it would be to climb in your fridge and drink glacier water
Considering the fact that everyone took the wrong jacket from that party, should we casually try to return the chalice and soccer ball we stole from last night?
You ran through a field yelling "I'm frolicking! I'm frolicking!" Then fell on your face. How is your nose today, doll?
We're snowed in with only two condoms. This will literally be valentines day russian roullette.
she's a drunken disney princess. so basically me if i had a crown and no desire for independence.
PS there is a naked boy in my bed and I just left for the bar...
The awkward moment when a lady ask you what kind of lipliner you're using, but really I have just finished eating hot cheetos.
Randomize