I just peed in my kitchenbs sinlk. New low- maybe. am i embarrassed? Not in the least
My boss' voice literally gives me gas
I'm so drunk I cant read cursive anymore.
Improvement. She went from pretending she was the soccer ball in the world cup games and it hurt when they kicked her to passed out on the floor.
I have vodka an food stamps. At some point today, that will undoubtedly turn into jello shots.
I want a picture of impoverished children wearing Oregon national champions shirts.
Yes, I feel sorry for the tribe that gets those. They won't be able to hide from the lions.
Never backflip into an above ground pool. I think the gash will be smaller by Monday though.
He's saved in my phone as 'MURICA. I think it's safe to say I'm not exactly taking him seriously.
Dude my body has gone into shock from not eating frozen pizza and chips. I've been shitting like Richard Simmons after a night out of twerking in a corn field
Ah, but I don't wear underwear. Every day is Commando Wednesday.
I'm standing on the corner in a banana costume and cape with frozen bananas in my utility belt reassessing my life decisions.
Dude she smelled like bar-b-que sauce. I can't think of anything better.
I left my ice cream out over night, it's melted, fuck this, I just poured Bailey's in it. Problems solved.
Today's forecast: 90% chance of bad decisions, good stories, solid new dick and artichoke pizza
Yes be both agreed it was the worst sex in the history of fornication, so I asked him to sign the condom wrapper so I could frame it as a reminder to NEVER sleep with him again
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