im at the bar and i misjudged a fart...go home or ride the night out?Never mind, the bouncer made the decision for me...be home soon
a bus full of elementary school kids may or may not have seen me pissing off my front porch this morning
I need a second opinion on who's blood is in my car.
btw he is cheating on one twin with the other. the main woman in his life has a mullet. I defiantly have either the coolest or weirdest uncle ever
The only people who have said happy valentines day to me today have been 2 homeless people.
I am seriously considering thanking Macallan 18 in my thesis acknowledgments.
I jumped on his cock in 2 seconds flat. Thanks mom for sending me to gymnastics when I was a kid.
I have no words
Neither did my mom, when she walked in on me squating with my balls in a cup of hot water.
Drinking heavily at 3pm and about to rescue a 30lb street turtle. Dont even bother attempting to rise to this level bitch
They need to leave so I can start drinking shamefully.
I asked if he wanted to sext and he just started sending me pictures of his beard.
I have a half pound of weed, a case of beer, 8 frozen pizzas and a hard dick. You have a high tech super-bong and a chest of sex toys. That's our vacation week right there.
Seriously, fuck work.
uh yea I'm curled up in the trunk of my car
never planned on seeing last weekend's one night stand again, much less be on the same plane as him..
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
Randomize
