If he looks like a Gremlin DO NOT get him wet.
She has 2500 facebook friends. I probably should have used a condom.
At chipotle, there's a bachelorette party starting out the night here, i'm going to let you imagine what the bride to be looks like
just wokeup with my ethics textbook on my chest, animal crakers in my mouth and my dick in my hand. even aristotle doesn't have a theory for this one
I wonder if he just picks random boners to send or just the realy impressive ones
She tied me up with her honor cords...
Do what your heart wants. . .
My heart wants to rip his balls off and tie therm to his head using his penis
she's like a sexy human version of my cat. i can't catch her, and she keeps throwing up in the corners.
He tried to tip me with his police badge...
and you didn't accept WHY?!
True love: he brought me a margarita while was in the shower. He's a keeper.
Told my brother the truth how I meet her...I grabbed the first thing I could when the cops came. 10 months later we are engaged.
Im crossing my legs while on the toilet. It's like I'm unconsciously thinking "if im going to barf and shit at the same time, Im at least going to do it LIKE A LADY"
She's officially a Tinder poltergeist.
Hey bro are you still alive??? I'm sure you are wondering how you ended up laying on the floor at the foot of your bed and why there is a wheelchair by your door....
I woke up in a warehouse with the words “Property of Adam” written on my chest in frosting.
Randomize
