quit making up holidays to get me to go drinking with you
After you vomited on the patrol car, you thanked the officer for helping you up off the ground. I don't think you realized you were being arrested.
Like you know your sex life is in a downward spiral when your best friend offers to sext you from Ireland
Steve, that episode of cops where your dealer rear-ended that family is on again.
HAPPY AIDS-LESS FOURTH OF JULY YOU HEALTHY FUCK
I think the lady at jack in the box started crying when we put in our order.
You're never the same once you're dry humped on the frat house floor
Do I have to cook for the potluck? Can I just bring a costco size bottle of Vodka?
Remembering you have vodka in the freezer gives the same surge of happiness as finding 20 bucks in a coat pocket.
I've been trying to fall asleep with ice packs covering my vagina for the last hour... Sorry for being vulgar. I'm going to kill myself.
Now, I know I say this a lot, but you've obviously never seen my penis.
I just kept eating and watching him slide down the stairs head first
I’m not washing my pussy with handsoap.
look im sitting on my bathroom floor in my underwear snorting cocaine can we talk about this later
My Hitachi broke 1 day into this stay home bullshit.
Randomize