hide the guitars, Nate just learned to play free fallin'
tell me how i ended up in the movie theater alone with a bottle of smirnoff and a bendy straw.
some dude is stoned out of his mind in my calc class. just shouted that the teacher was a genius cause he got rid of so many numbers
We got back together. The pastures weren't greener on the other side, the dicks were just smaller
I'm the brains and you're the boobs of this operation.
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
Looking back on this weekend, I'm most grateful I never brought up with word "toe-fucking" at the bachelorette party.
Taking care of a girl who just peed on my floor so tonight is not a good night for sex
I asked him to sing a song so he couldn't hear me throwing up as he was holding my hair
You literally just told me you're ditching me because of pizza. PIZZA? Wow.
I would drive 12 hours round trip for you to have an orgasm, cause that's friendship
She came into the salon and said, "Don't judge me. Yes that's cum in my hair and I want a shampoo, cut and style."
Why did u text me "I want to get drunk and go to pizza hut tomorrow. don't let me forget." at 3am??
That text was pretty fucking self-explanatory, man.
That awkward moment when you bring a guy back to your place then have to tell him you only have magnums.
My one night stand from last weekend is now taking me on a date this weekend. How is this my life?
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