This is your Morning Wood Report: I have it.
I hope you never procreate. Philly is already the ugliest city in the country.
So I'll spare the details, but I think I discovered I'm lactose intolerant. In my sleep. And you'll be needing new sheets.
I just saw her shopping list. The only things on it are blackberries, hot fudge and condoms. I almost don't wanna know. Almost.
She had her underwear around her neck. No one can tell me i'm a slut now.
When I was with you my penis felt like a fat woman crammed into a pair of lulu lemons
It's been so long that I've occasionally forgotten I own a vagina
Last night I had sex with one of the groomsmen I was in the wedding with. In a stairwell. 13 years my senior. Thinking I should retire from the bridesmaid gig.
I'm sitting in my 10 am lecture drinking a flask out of a dorritos bag...I think people are starting to notice but I'm already too drunk to care
dude ur drinkin a beer not ta capri sun. lose the straw
I have banged to "The Emperor's New Groove" way more than could possibly be reasonable.
I'm super depressed and stressed and I just want spaghetti and sex...
Apparently, im the only one in the world who thinks Larry King is hot.
Hey. Did I get punched in the face last night?
Yeah. I told you I would and you didn't believe me.
Honestly, this social distancing bullshit is giving me a good excuse for drinking alone.
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