They're donating plasma together for extra money. Couple of the fucking century.
I awoke in a cab to find myself on a ride to niagara falls. Apparently I paid the cab driver half up front.
And when we woke up we made beer pancakes. Great start to a family picture day.
Just found a 7-11 receipt for new years eve at 1:30 am apparently we felt the need to buy three jars of pickles and a gallon of milk does this ring any bells?
GOING OUT OF BUSINESS: we're having a foreclosure party tonight...We'll also be raffling off a washer/dryer, microwave and a white tiger head.
you really need to stop getting laid in my dreams more than i do.
Expect nothing less than me teaching them how to do shots and put condoms on
I think my Halloween costume this year will be made entirely of pillows and I'll be Marshmellow girl or Kirby. That way I'm comfortable, warm, and if I fall over drunk I'm safe.
Just copped mushrooms from a dude in a business suit. U comin or what?
nobody was home so I boiled the dildo
His mom said he was in the ER and asked for prayers and positive thoughts. Apparently, me wishing the clap on him is not what she had in mind.
How'd your date go last night?
Well I blacked out at 1:30 and woke up naked in not-my-date's bed with an uneaten Jimmy John's sandwich.
He is a beautiful butterfly covered in tattoos and naked.
I’m literally watching say yes to the dress, eating fancy cheeses with crackers, and I have orange dark chocolates. All of which is being washed down with merlot. And I’m 100% sure a porno is gonna go down next door tonight. They don’t have a car and arrived via taxi. Happy holidays from motel 6 Pendleton Oregon!
It's a race to see if I finish the bottle first or my homework
Randomize
