Well to be completely honest its more of a 'i wanna do things to you that your parents would not enjoy hearing about' mood
Girls only wine night turned into a sloppy drunk lesbian orgy again
Yea...coming from the girl who didn't understand why m&ms and tequila wasn't a "suitable diet"
Looks like a significant portion of my drinking money just became legal fees.
Dear Penis Owner...our records show that you are overdue for servicing...please contact our friendly associates to schedule a thoroughly satisfying experience today...operators are standing by...
A blow job from a tiger shark would still entail less risk to your genitals than having sex with her.
I'm like five sips away from making a Craigslist post for true love and mustaches. My family is going to disown me tonight.
I need to find another hobby that doesn't include being hungover.
I'm gonna chug this bud light an might injure this high school penis, like I'm 17 again
I'm usually good at keeping a straight face, but not while singing a ballad to a stranger in a bathroom.
One of my life goals was never to see an uncircumcised dick. I guess that's out the window now.
My sex life is driven by spite and alcohol
Somehow I just turned an entire McDonald's bag upside down in my car and not a single fry fell out. The Lord really does work in mysterious ways.
I just punched myself in the vagina to prove a point. Please pray for me.
I should have known it wouldn’t work. Someone saved in her phone as “Subway Sex” called the week before the wedding
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