Dear male population: sorry for being such a dick tease but thanks for paying for my bar tab and drunk food
so whats your words to drink to for the state of the union? mine are 'change' 'fight' and 'you know'.
mine is 'the'.
My mom asked me to donate my child hood stuffed animals to the poor then I realized I was hiding liquor behind them. I told her I was too attached to them. She understood. Wrong in so many ways.
Sorry really high. We have no lighter so we're lighting the bowl with rolled up paper towels lit by candle which also lit with a rolled up paper towel that we lit with the stove eye
she said she was living bicuriously through me.
Carpe scrotum. Grab life by the balls.
And I kind of want to stare at skinny jonah hill like a weird zoo exhibit lol.
I am compiling a playlist that reminds me of all my best sexual encounters. It shall be called THE MUSIC OF MY VAGINA'S PEOPLE
Whatever it's Canadian jail, it's not like Guatemala or something. It'll be nice and cushy and they'll probably throw him a big bday party with all his friends and strippers
"Just cut me in half. Then take half of me home. And leave the other half here. Cuz I can't see."
I wanna fuck that hideous moustache right off your face. get the confetti ready for the festivities
I just fucked her in the corner of an ally while holding a large pizza waiting on a pledge for a ride.
There's nothing wrong with using cocaine to keep my heart rate up in my fitness class.
You were so drunk Last night you asked for your glasses so you could read the directions on a band aid
My bald co-worker just chugged a literal gallon of coffee. My condolences to his kidneys.
Randomize
