I just saw a midget ride by on a scooter...wearing a bowtie and a helmet. My life is complete.
Feel like bed is flying. Not sure where we're going. Hope there is candy.
Last thing I remember was you straddling a guy in a wheelchair on the dance floor.
Oh please tell me that I'm sleeping in your shower and not the neighbor's again
whatever. i don't care. i just want to be drunk wrapped in an american flag.
God, for the last time, no I did not break my nose doing a keg-stand just for a nose job.
I refuse to apologize. Any dick that comes that close to my face uninvited is gonna get bit
After so many times of carrying your puked covered clothes home in a bag on a Tuesday morning, you begin to realize that Fucked Up Mondays aren't a real thing.
So she just had an emotional breakdown over a birthday card with a peacock on it. Yeah. She's pretty drunk, but we made it home safely.
I'm drinking with a guy who apparently blew my dog sitter.
I'm determined to sit on that face.
I need a beard to bite.
He gave me a box of cheez-its after sex, does that make me a hooker?
He also needs to focus on not being such a little bitch, but that's none of my business.
And then there was cum in my hair and he was making beans.
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