I wish there was a non-hangover washing machine that I could stick myself in right now
Shes in the fridge organizing my beer collection. I love having a girlfriend with OCD
Can I use you as a job reference? Don't tell them i got you fired cause I banged you tho
can't make this up: he's writing lyrics for the musical reenactment of how he met her @ an anime convention to perform at their wedding. yes, there'll also be dance routines involved.
Can you give me a hickey quick? Im going to a white trash themed party. Completely serious
I might come over. Something about you makes me matronly and I have this urge to nurse you back to health with soup and a blowjob
Please note: when a bouncer tells you to leave, pointing out that their career path makes them a much better judge what to do will not make you friends
They are the perfect team. One always has weed, the other always has cigarettes. They're like the Batman and Robin of drugs
Mom just told me I need to start having sex.
I think the sex rug burn on my back is infected, can you check it out when you get home?
Oh my fucking god that cat looks just like you after you accidentally took Ketamine
You took nana to a bar?!
she suggested it
THAT'S MY GIRL
KICKING BUT AND GETTING PEOPLE INTOXICATED
I need to start journaling my drunk thoughts. Drunk me is fucking brilliant & sober me is missing out.
Lost and found: pink cotton underwear next to my bed and soaking wet Reebok socks or boxers in a plastic bag...in my fridge🤔
Randomize
