All I have in my fridge is chocolate cake, pizza, spicy mayo sauce, beer, and weed. I love college
you're single. I'm single. let's spend vday with the 3 most important men in our lives: ben, jerry, and josé
But Monday we'll be living in a post-apocalyptic hellscape. Also, I'm going to a champagne tasting.
Seriously. There are at least 10 other people drinking at the bar with me at 10:40. Im justifying it with the fact that I've been up since 5am.
Omg you had literally better be on fire, drowning, and being crucified all at the same time to be calling me at 7:30 in the goddamn morning.
We're going to party like we don't have spanx on
She sleeps with her hand around my balls. First I thought it was just a comfort thing. Now I think it's to make sure I can't slip away in the middle of the night.
I was sat at the table waiting with a glass of wine reading my book and the hotel staff gave me a goldfish in a bowl and said 'heres your date for the night' !
When your hungover saltines taste like hope...
Ugh, once again I had to block the view of him peeing off the hotel bar balcony, I earned those free drinks!
I didn't want to leave, I wanted to move into his ass
I'm all about clean living these days
You started your day with fried chicken and a bloody
... after you woke up in your own urine
I woke up at her place in a kids bed hearing Sesame Street. She doesn't have kids!
So I came to the conclusion that who ever pour my ever clear out saved my life
Two questions: is there going to be a bathroom at this party, and can we fuck in it. This will define whether or not I enjoy going to parties with you.
Randomize
