Doo rag and shades in the bar. You are missing your future husband.
In the airport and just saw a little boy put his head in his mother's crotch... I guess he took a whiff because he backed up and said loudly, "mommy your pee-pee is stinky!"
Pretty sure that this text will cost me like $5 but just wanted you to know that I just smoked a bowl of kush, about to walk around shopping for hookers and i get 3 credit hours for this study abroad .... have fun studying for finals.
Just considered the plausability of using my detachable showerhead as a beer bong. Has my life really devolved to this?
I'm making celebratory pizza rolls. They're a lot like regular pizza rolls, but without the taste of shame.
Call me when you get up. This hang-over is like dismantling a bomb: I need someone to talk me through it.
I thought it was a myth but I have just reached the age of sitting on my balls. Not a fan.
We're pretty much just dating until one of our ex's wants us back
He was in the middle of making out with two girls at once, but then the guy next to me said "I feel like I'm watching Animal Planet" he stopped to give him a high five
These are all good points. But, I think your under estimating what it's like to be held upside down for a standing 69
Does it still count as a valentine if it's drunk phone sex at 3 in the morning
I am the Angelina Jolie to his Billy Bob Thorton. We just don't work.
Amanda, I can 99.9% assure you i'm probably never going to bang your mom
I DON'T LIKE THAT SENTENCE
There is a dude riding on one of those standing wheel things inside forever 21. Calm down.
I'll never lecture you, go get that dick baby girl make momma proud,I didn't raise no quitter
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