I can't believe you let me try to pierce your nipple with a dart last night
Get the fuck buddy a birthday present or not? He def deserves one, but how do I explain the debit card charge to my husband?
I don't think you'd be able to understand Inception if you weren't high...
so if i die before i go back to school its because the thing we found in the hallway that i've been smoking out of is a crack pipe
Do you think my parents will accept my drinking habits more if I told them I like to drink every night because I take good shits the next morning?
You were eating microwaved pad thai out of a solo cup with a pair of scissors....
so thats a no on the drunken crutches race 2moro
because i know somewhere at some party, behind someones closed bed room door youre being feed a key full of mollie.
YOU ARE SO GOD DAMN LOUD AND YOU'RE SHAKING THE GOD DAMN HOUSE. FUCKING STOP.
You fell asleep mid blowjob with my vibrator in your HAND. So no, I will not bring you pizza.
I knew there was a problem when things got heated and instead of rushing home I offered to get bagels instead
Apparently I took a selfie with fried chicken at 2 am....I'm still trying to figure out where I got the chicken. I thought I was making mac & cheese.
You called your ex, and talked to her for an hour about how you miss her, came back inside and asked the girl with the biggest tits if you could take a pic with your face in them and sent her the picture.
It's alright. I'm just trying to make her realize you're not good enough for her.
He said he would get me a helmet and bedazzle it with my name and address so the cabs would know where to take me
Randomize
