I'm being pulled over???
For what!?!?!
??? I'm in a cab!!!!!
i told my doctor i had 3 partners and one unprotected.. shes a cute little indian lady i couldnt break her heart
It only happened twice. Once we used extra virgin olive oil and once I used saliva and brute force.
Please stop using the dehumidifier for your weed.
did you by any chance leave me that 7 minute long voicemail of you running and constantly tripping into bushes?
Honey, I don't care how "classic you" this is. It's not gonna matter if we can't find you in the morning.
it wasn't a normal cookie, i figured that out 45 minutes into my exam
The trees feel like magic. Come fly to taco bell with me.
Watermelon juice. Makes everything better. Gin. Wine. EVERYTHING.
What am I doing with my life
Sleeping with dudes who have peacocks apparently.
Explain the King Dong next to my face.
As Scar once said. Be prepared! For the shit show of what's coming tonight
Nothing says "forever alone" like receiving a friendship bracelet from your parents.
Man, I meant to go dancing, but accidentally took mushrooms and just threw the frisbee in the park
Surprise ending
Whatcha doing tonight? Reply TURNUP if you are drinking, or STOP to cancel messages
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