We should go out drinking together soon
I'm still not going to have sex with you
I feel dirty and I went home alone. Bars should be like airlines and make fat girls pay double for everything.
just found out there is no tactful way to ask your girlfriend to wax her stache. no matter what a google search would have you believe.
We learned a valuable lesson from last night. You can, in fact, order bacon on a Big Mac.
I hit 10,000 texts this month.. I think my grandkids have carpal tunnel.
You kept telling me to "raw dog" your take home breathalyzer without the mouthpiece
Dude you make losing your phone an art. You left it balancing on a two liter bottle in the kitchen. Wtf
I just realised I've never been sober in my apartment
That boy has a whole ocean of crazy lying just beneath the surface waiting to rise up, he's like the tar sands of crazy
I was talking to another guy at the bar last night and all of a sudden a flying piece of Sausage lands on my boobs. Then I hear my boyfriend yell, "just marking my territory."
Better safe and shitfaced than hungover and in need of another surgery.
Only thing exciting about him was his dick.
We put you in the box and you started to cry, that's how high you were.
I dont know if hes kidding... but hes drunk and said hes going to shave his balls. Alert your emt friends
I'm keeping him.
Sex was good?
I had to tap out three times. There aren't words for how much better than "good" that is.
Randomize
