If you could channel this insane talent for stalking you'd be a great weapon for this country. If you had a crush on Bin Ladin, guaranteed he'd be found, monitered and tagged within five days.
Last night this chick queefed when I was going down on her. Thinking if you! xo
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
His shirt was in the kitchen sink this morning, I'm pretty sure my roommates know.
it's amazing how much more room there is in my purse when I'm not carrying alcohol in it
Once you realized you couldn't finish the 30 you started walking down the street and leaving a beer in everyone's mailbox
disregard all texts ive sent you minus taco motherfucking bell
My vagina is depressed thinking about her future.
I think it was the free bomb shots from the creepy bolivians that sent us over the edge
Well my ankle is fucked up, everytime it pops I have a reminder of $200. Jager bomb night and the day we began to rebuild our friendship.
Doing the walk of shame at 1 AM. Stumbled across a rave. This night is epic.
I'm hoarding IKEA meatballs in my purse
Hella random but just hear me out...A bar that is a petting zoo. Bitches love petting zoos.
You're a FUCKING ASSHOLE. Love mom
Of course he did! You’ve seen my tits, you know he didn’t stand a chance!
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