I wish there was a Glade Plug-in for vaginas
I wish I could have two rating systems on iTunes. "This one is a 5 star. This one is only a 5 star when I'm baked."
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
I feel like I should limit myself to one meal prepared from a box per day
I'm not sure how exactly, but this funeral has turned into a ridiculous night of drinking games
I don't understand how she could dump me AFTER we had shower sex. I'm fucking great at shower sex
Just because I don't want to be her booty call doesn't mean I wanna stop getting tit pics. I'm a sucker for double D's
I haven't been this unsober in a long time. I feel like I am observing myself. Like I am a test subject for alcohol. I wish my brain would shut up and let me be a normal drunk.
Oh dude I know. When something that's supposed stop pregnancies taste like chocolate something's up
So I have been told that I licked your eyebrows last night
Is this like a preordered booty call?
I feel like I don't show you my boobs enough. And you deserve to see them like all the time
i was making a gravity bong in my room and my dad walked in. he helped me finish. i love being home for the holidays.
who gets drunk at chipotle by noon and then gets kicked out? this chick.
The first thing he said was that my underwear smelled like Trix but then he looked up at me and whispered "Silly rabbit, vagina is for me."
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