Yours is on the dinner table...mine is in my underwear drawer.
You want looks pregnant, is pregnant, or the one with a kid.
While I'm in the bathroom taking a piss you think of a way to get us the hell out of here.
If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
I hope im prettier
yea, just so you know this whole self-loathing thing is getting pretty fucking annoying
Stop it. You sound like you're giving birth.
We're going to play a drinking game. It's called "Senior Year of College."
We ran out of wine so we are trying the absinthe you brought over from Spain like 3 years ago. Please call me at noon tomorrow. If we die, its your fault
had a dream that i inhaled my pet bird and started choking. Then I tried smoking from a bong and suddenly I smoked myself inside out. this is what happens when I don't smoke weed. my brain can't function!
Rather than admit to myself I've spent $756 at the bar this month, I'm just going to pretend I gave it to a homeless person...kind of makes me feel better.
Serious concern: will TSA confiscate my bondage rope?
The fact that I can sew my leggings while intoxicated proves I'm a functioning alcoholic
He meowed while sucking on my nipple, it got even weirder when he said he was trying to moo.
I'll have sex with you for tacos. I don't care, man.
I tried to text you about going to the Lion's Den but sent it to my boss. She was down for it. Please advise.
I woke up naked and alone this morning. What a life
Randomize
