Astroglide: It's like Bengay for your ass.
when we were having sex and i started crying and telling you i missed you..why couldnt you stop and tell me how you felt or make me feel better?you kept going...
Word to the wise: learn how to ask "What is my bail posted as" in French before traveling abroad.
His mom just described him as a manipulative, deceitful bastard -- oddly I still want him
I was going to call you an awful person for that. but then i realized we're both awful people.
Really* awful people.
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
I don't know how I got here... but I think I'm in a Christian Impact meeting... I'm trying to act as straight as possible. They can sense gay.
That number that I thought was that dude's number...was actually my district manager's number. Fuckkkk.
Just walk of shamed past a 5 year old on my way out of my booty call. He waved at me. Is this the single life I've been missing?
This is the I'm sorry text for running around yelling don't shit on my rainbow, end up in the fetal position crying at 4 am in my car because someone shit on my rainbow
You kept saying "this bitch", mumbled incoherently for like 5 minutes, took a shot, and kept going.
I was so high I watched a 5 minute video of different scenes of horses running. The music was magical.
The awkward moment when you're leaving the most attractive guy you've ever been with and you're trying not to shit on yourself. Fucking welcome to my life
I have a bag of frozen peas on my vagina. If you want to talk about real problems.
You said you're gonna end your night with a six pack and awful erotica
Randomize
