based on who turned up here tonight the whole evening should just be called "mistakes i made when i was fat"
I walked in on my roommate finishing watching something on his computer. There was cum all over his screen. He awkwardly said hi and pulled up his pants.
I just realized that i have never seen about 30 percent of my friends sober before
I just got while a charlie horse while orgasming...most confusing feeling ever...
Nope. She just screamed at me "YOU WERE A FAILED ABORTION" and "I'LL PUT ANTHRAX IN YOUR PILLOW YOU LITTLE FUCK". Best mother award ever
How long does it take to cook a corndog over a candle?
I just realised I've never been sober in my apartment
I can't leave your house without my underwear spending the night.
Abort mission; I repeat: Abort mission.I found an attractive one.
my cockatiel has aquired a taste for beer. I should not be allowed to own exotic pets.
multiple people will be seeing my nips tonight. not mad about it at all
I'm proud of you for choosing to be an organ donor on your fake!!
Well, if it's rabies, your lips will swell just prior to the frothing. Get a lot of good pics!
You handed me your heels and said, "barefoot running is all the rage." Then you proceeded to run home.
You were so drunk Last night you asked for your glasses so you could read the directions on a band aid
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