Are they still out there making out on the couch? How can we get them to leave?
I 'm gonna go stand naked in the kitchen with a knife
My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
I should be nowhere even remotely near facebook in this condition.
There are about 5 pictures of my dog taking a dump on my camera and 20 of Brandon taking one for "comparison" reasons.
Today might be the day that I legitimately throw up in my saxophone.
thats the coolest thing thats happened to my vagina since i dated that guy from portugal.
When I found her she was drinking wine out of a plastic bag in a bathroom stall, staring at herself in the mirror and crying hysterically. Cabo does things to a person...
The pigeons can smell the fear
Wtf
they saw the dick pic he sent and started calling him 'subway'
he was high. i was rolling face. we were both wearing grateful dead t shirts. at that point it's like we had no choice but to fuck
Pretty sure the cop told you that you were the first person he pulled over for being drunk on a tractor. So there's that.
I just delete my bank app from my phone to have enough storage to download tindr. Is this my life now?
Thank you for stroking my rage monster tonight.
From now on he's gonna have to shave first. It feels like I got eaten out by a chainsaw!
Just had the biggest masturbatory crisis ever.
What does that mean?
Internet is down.
Randomize
