Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
Yea i'm supposed to have jury duty on monday. Hope they don't mind me still being drunk.
Na you can't get charged for public intoxication unless you're outside. I checked.
Isn't that the only thing she's good at? Complaining and blow jobs?
We did nothing beneficial to ourselves, or our country last night.
We're doing kegstands for my 80th Bday, so don't lose that muscle tone.
Good thing I took the morning after pill cuz I pretty much had packaged seamen in me like I was a squirrel saving it for later or something
I chugged a beer while I was riding him and he told me it was the sexiest thing he has ever seen. this guy knows class when he sees it.
I tell myself every day I shouldn't be friends with you
Apparently throwing balloons filled with vodka off the roof is considered terrorism.
Ugh I need to clean my floors/walls/ I actually don't understand why boys get drunk and pee on things
Next time one of us has a party everybody has to wear a diaper. But actually you just need a shit ton of disinfectant wipes and maybe a hazmat suit.
I danced shirtless on a platform with a fucking stripper who went to MIT
If she didn't block me, she would have known that I sneezed on her toothbrush.
my lips are numb and my face feels like a pool. PENGUINSSSSSS
Share, now.
I've been trying to masturbate for the longest time now and so far I've accomplished getting tangled in my computer battery cord and phone charger and hitting my knee on my laptop.
You ripped his router out of the wall and screamed "I have defeated the matrix"
Randomize
