He called me "the Joe Montana of blowies." Not sure if that is an accomplishment or an insult, but going off of the amount of condensation on the windows of my car, I'm gonna just do a little touchdown dance and pass out.
I almost got runover on the sidewalk by a car but wen it got closer it was a crackhead walking with the whole front of a car... bumper, lights and all... I love New York.
Seriously. Doesn't matter if I went out last night, work is like crafts class w.a side of facebook
This morning I saw a frozen puddle in front of my RA's door and I laughed, assuming someone poured water in hopes that she would slip and fall. That's when my roommate told me I had peed there last night. Thank you Captain Morgan!
Ever have a day where u just waNna wake up get a blow job eat food and chill I just want today to be that day
He did plead exhaustion. And I made him push through it. I am like the motherfucking badass football coach of sex.
I woke up in my own bed clutching a key to a Ramada in another state.
I like to think it's an accomplishment that I can relate my life to a T-pain song
im just laying in bed, eating, getting fat, enjoying eating and getting fat, thinking about how i will probably have to get a fat boyfriend.
He showed up to a baby shower and kept telling everyone he was late because he was pregaming. And then tried honking the pregnant girls tits
The toilet wouldn't flush at the club so I literally just shat in the garbage.
You really need to not quote Anchorman while I'm giving you a serious blowjob.
I was having a dream that I was swimming in a pool filled with melted chocolate but woke up to find I had poured chocolate milk all over my body
WAIT this kid is eating yogurt with a fucking ladle. what is happening?
the next morning his mother came in to tell me that she made breakfast. she told me to put my clothes on too. awkward.
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