Last night you told her she was rocking the beer gut. Still wondering why you have that black eye?
There is only so much cookie dough and masturbating I can handle in one night.
just found a sign outside my brothers door "not going to church, don't even try" and he is covered is vomit in his bed.
Sitting next to a retarded hot married man on the plane, I got 6.5 hrs to homewreck this shit.
You just kept shouting "I AM AN ADULT!" until he agreed to carry you home on his shoulders.
Last time I heard from you, you were double fisting strawberry milk and wine. Answer this text so I know you're still alive. Bonus points for a coherent answer.
Okay. But I hope it isn't expensive lingerie. Because I'm ripping it off Hulk Hogan style.
I woke up this morning in the house, I didn't realize it was physically possible to duct tape a person to the wall...
I flossed his teeth and then we had sex in the bathroom. It just seemed like a good idea.
It's always awkward in the office the day after your boss sends you a dick pic.
I'm gonna call it the Reunion Tour. Hooked up with two different ex girlfriends in one day...
Is it rude to ask for an autograph after giving him a blowjob in their hotel's hot tub?
were facing impending death from north korea and were sitting here snorting tylenol to get high.....where did our lives go wrong?
are you just inviting me because you can't afford an actual stripper?
Almost caused a huge accident on the highway because I was distracted by how orange the road barrels were
Randomize