She just texted me saying, "I wish you were a better person so I could fuck you without regrets"
she has no idea who harrison ford is.
see that's why i'd never date someone born in the 90s
I've eaten ice cream, mentos, an extreme gulp and swedish fish today. i feel like diabetes. the actual disease not a person with it.
birthday sex, birthday sex, birthday sex
I'm on my period, period, period
I just found ouut you can get a DUI in a kayak. Fuck.
We left the bar, went to a sex shop, bought penis shotglasses, went back to the bar and insisted that the bartender used them.
It was like having sex with a donkey. Everytime she got close she would kick me.
It's gonna be pretty hard to find a homeless person that takes crackers as currency.
If we ever start off with margaritas for breakfast and end up naked covered in olive oil...I could think of worse ways to spend a day.
It's 2:10 am I am sprawled on the floor of the kitchen drunk and eating cold chicken wings come help
My purse is like an anchor I can't move I am sliding around like an over turned turtle send help
This floor is really dirty send a maid if you can
After we had sex he told me it was a "goodbye gift". We haven't talked since.
Basically one minute I'm sucking on her nipples and then 45 mins later we're at work and she's my boss.
If one more dude who finds out I'm a cop asks to see me in uniform I'm gonna become asexual
The high school classes are online, not my sex life. He still comes over for “teacher / parent conferences.” A couple more “conferences” and I’ll be able to rewrite the Sex Ed curriculum
If I told the doordash driver it's national nudity day, think he'd still report me for being topless at the door?
Randomize