i study at coffee shops because all these damn artsy people motivate me to work towards a real job.
i just learned how to squirt via google. life is good.
we were wasted and he didn't have a condom so he called the front desk and asked for one. They didn't "officially" have them but the night manager happened to have one in his wallet. He brought it to the room with two mints.
Don't let the fact that shes seen my penis discourage you
Emily is drunk. We're coming to see you at work and we're bringing jello shots for you.
Not sure why I sent you a picture of a black bear last night but it seemed like a good idea at the time.
I come back upstairs and there he was sitting in a speedo. He handed me a blanket and said "let's cuddle" how is this real life?
Go forth Daniel, drink, be merry... And meet some hot Asians for your friends to bang
I cannot believe this. A potential 2016 Olympiad wants my vag. To which I respond "GO FOR THE GOLD"
you have to be that girl in the audience holding up the sign that says i fucked the shit out of you
You were chugging tap water out of a running blender screaming "bubbles is Perrier mother fucker"
she texted me 'with freud,' which i thought was drunk for 'i'm with my friend.' but nope, she was actually on a statue of the psychologist sigmund freud.
You're still my best friend even though you continue to pass out on random toilets every time you drink
I just realized my hands still smell like your cock. Which is awesome, but I wonder if the clerk at the store appreciated it.
I feel bad. I'm the reason hand sanitizer exists.
you know you need to get laid when: getting wrestled to the ground in a self-defense class turns you on....p.s. this is a booty call
My brain is a dvd screensaver and I'm allowed to have a good thought when it hits the corner
Randomize
