I thought she had blonde hair
No, Gonorrhea actually
just to let you know, don't open your linen closet for a while until i come over with a cleaning kit and geek squad
I wish I could google chicago male strippers on my work computer but I don't feel like talking to HR today
I imagine my 13 hours of sleep after my 3 day upper bender was similar to Jesus rising from the dead.
Dear God. I kissed a man tonight who was born in 1936.
Do you know how hard it is to get cum out of a straw hat!?
You were sad because he was "taking it out on the plant"
You are the only one who would stop a bum, tell him to open up, then pour straight vodka in his mouth. You made his year.
cashier rang me up and said, "white people are funny." like i'm NOT the only white person to buy just lettuce & 40 glow sticks
Nobody is stopping the marines from drinking in class on veterans day. They literally brought a cooler with a bottle of whiskey and vodka on ice. And are passing out red cups to anyone interested. Staying in Vegas for college has officialy become an A+ decision
Oh yes. Made out with a grandmother..... she had fake boobs and it was 330am. That makes it okay.
Mardi gras at its finest.
i just remember sliding through the snow and yelling i love america before puking on the oncoming cars
But I've also made plans to crash a black tie event wearing a storm trooper helmet. I think I've found the love of my life..
I'm just glad I met someone who probably won't punch you in the face
I wish drug dealers had sales for the holidays
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