apparently i started the naked brigade. and depantsed everyone who wasn't naked. her parents must hate me.
i just discovered how you can fold down the cardboard sleeve on a hot pocket. Life just got a whole lot easier.
is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
I'm masturbating to football. This is why I get guys and you don't
Nothing like hearing a USA chant while getting head. God bless America.
He needs to stop telling me how much he respects me. What does that even mean
I've been at work 30 min broke a paper towel holder a chair set a box on fire and fell down twice. Hungover Brian just reached a new level
NO I FORBID YOU. THERE ARE BETTER VIRGINITIES OUT THERE WORTH KIDNAPPING.
Hey will pizza rolls help if you accidentally get a diabetic chihuahua drunk?
How can someone be so bad at fingering? It's such a simple concept
Also I'm eating leftovers with a pair of bullet removal forceps (unused) because I don't have a fork.
tell me you did not just describe yourself as "hot and bothered"
Your level of morning after guilt is too much right now. Do less.
I just used my vibrator to scratch my back. This being single shit is for the birds
They want a bedroom just for their cats. And you thought we were gay.
Randomize
