OH RELAX, IT WAS PITY SEX.....
I know its time to do laundry... i cant even find a dirty sock to wear because they all have jizz in them
If no ones going to say it, then I will. Vanessa Hudgens boobs are weird looking
my three year anniversary of no dick sucking is coming up. you can throw me a party with a penis cake.
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
I need to do something profound in the next three and a half years so that when my kids ask what I did in my twenties I have something to say other than "made bad decisions"
Just slept with a female bodybuilder. not cute. but it was like fucking hulk hogan with a twat. Beastly.
im so disgusted with myself. funny thing was i lasted 15 seconds. she benches 325
Neither of us have work tomorrow and we live w/n walking distance. This is your official Sandy booty call. Come rock me like a hurricane.
Ok so you know that's gonna be legally viewed as kidnapping, right?
I taught her to play Monopoly. She sold me her bra to keep from going bankrupt.
At least you didn't get an invite in the mail to your fuck buddy's baby shower like I just did. My life is a sitcom
I feel sorry for the person who's phone number is 704-1776 cause from now on I'm giving that number to every guy I never wanna talk to again. Happy Independence Day
Tripping over coffee tables hurts shins but face is okay bc I landed on a sofa.
Sooo does anyone wanna tell me why I threw up a cigarette this morning?
OMG YOU DID TO?!
You were telling everyone in the bar that Jess gave you scurvy.
Randomize
