I don't llike drinking between sober and blackout. Its boring.
my iphone just auto-corrected drink to drnknghhhg...
I just convinced a girl to drink my spit cup cuz I said it was dark beer and would get her drunk faster. I dare you to try something better.
Remind them to make the "above the influence" commercial about us fallin off a ferris wheel
threw up during christmas carols. the audience at the church seemed to immediately know i was a college student
Ate lunch. Still drunk. Keep forgetting I'm in Texas but then I look around at the people and remember.
i cant do it anymore.. every time this girl orgasms she sounds like a motorcycle
My epitaph should read "Margaritas: she never learned"
She's licking the seat belt now. Feeling a little uncomfortable
She made me role-play everything from an older prof to a in-patient in need of a medical exam. Yay for cocaine.
Dipping doritos in ranch. Why doesn't he love me?
See, remember when you wanted to get an Ashley Madison account and I told you not to and you hated me? You. Are. Welcome.
it’s not easy to sexualize brunch. work with me, babe.
EVERYBODY CALM YOUR SHIT
Do you think it would be weird to add her on Facebook?
You just commited a felony act together, I honestly think we're beyond this.
Randomize