Nothin says happy bday jesus like a shot with your loved ones.
Well he's in a two year college so technically hes a senior. At least can we just pretend I'm not robbing the cradle.
You sucked on the drag queens heel. It got that rough.
im breathing rainbows and everyone is talking in bubbles whatever you gave me give me more
I have no idea where I am, where my pants are, there is cheese stuck to my ass.. Why do I have your phone?
shot for shot with some guy twice your age to prove Detroit hustles harder then you left with him. We're tracking you
Sometimes I wonder if my parents know that I mean horny when I say lonely.
That's the only definition of lonely that I know.
Pretty sure encouraging you to sleep with 2 different girls while keeping you in the good graces of both has lost me the ability to call myself a woman. But that's just the kind of friend I am; dedicated.
When I say I took advantage of you when you were drunk, I mean that I convinced you to let me paint cute little panda bears on all of your toenails.
WHY AM I THE ONLY ONE CONCERNED ABOUT THE SEAGULL IN THE OVEN
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
I just shit my bed. Go ahead and make your 40 year old incontinence jokes now.
So... remember when you threw an orange in the closet when we were 16 to make wine? Just found it. Not wine.
A guy I hooked up with YEARS ago just endorsed me on LinkedIn for "customer service".
Why the fuck are you playing with legos?
Why the fuck are you questioning me?
Steven and I talked about running for office again today. It's fucked that my 3 dream jobs are marijuana bakery owner, bar owner, and president.
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