no, he came in my armpit
had another sex dream about alec baldwin...
I just saw a 3 year old try to break out of a daycare by driving a big wheel at full speed into a metal gate. Today is going to be epic.
Dude she let me cum on her face
You have the wrong number I'm the she who let you cum on her face unless some other girl has let you since this morning
With the amount of g's you put on going I'm gonna guess you're drinking alone again
Please ignore everything I told you about my girlfriends vagina last night.
That's totally the Emoji for "just ran into some girl who knows I know she had an abortion"
It all went downhill when I figured out I could launch myself into people with my crutches
He tried to do the do on me last night and my exact words were "stay away from my princess parts. they're renovating."
Why do I have "apologize to Dave Coulier" written on my hand?
Her cop pants made me imagine I was riding a unicorn and by unicorn I mean her face
my gynecologist gave me a high 5 for not getting any STD's since my last visit and said "Way to go Annabeth!" you have twenty seconds to get to my level
Dude, some chick came over here earlier and thought my lube was hand sanitizer. She poured it all over her hands.
There is a french fry attached to my steering wheel and a note that says "eat me yum yum" can you explain this?
I got eaten out in the igloo at snow-kings castle last night.My thighs were literally melting ruts in the ice bench.Definitely colder than the minus 40 blowjob at Desiree's wedding
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