so I have this game called 14 beers left. and we both have to drink 7 before we leave
What is wrong with this kid? He'll take ecstasy but won't take dayquil?
I don't know how, but he made a bong out of a hamster wheel. To say I am impressed is an understatement.
My neighbor just watched me eat a granola bar without pants, this is a whole new level of unemployed
Fuck I keep finding new battle scars from our fight. Justin told me I stabbed you with a broom handle.. Do you remember ripping my pants off?
I suppose I should wish you a happy one year of bumping uglies
Haha, maybe if he wasn't dressed up like Kimmy Gibler he could give her the D
We hooked up for a while and on his way out he high fived me and said "stay weird"
I'm sad that I feel like I need to temporarily change your name in my phone from Smashley until you have the baby and can be unsober with us again.
HE JUST ALLUDED TO FUCKING MY FRESH LOAF OF BREAD
You could sing the national anthem right before we have sex. Make it feel like a sporting event
Side note: I just realized that I can make my hand warmers double as a heated push up bra.
I should not be allowed to reproduce. The world doesn't need my sarcastic asshole demon spawn in child form
It's like every time I'm baked I discover my fingers all over again.
What you have to understand is that our lives aren't a disappointment so much as they crashed and burned with lethal doses of radiation and dog shit.
Randomize
