I don't usually arrange sex via text message
Oh please, I could turn a Vienna Boys Choir concert into a shit show
I had another sleeping on concrete incident.
We're playing Big Buck Hunter to determine who buys the next pitchers. And they said video games wouldn't help me later in life
New scientific discovery: The hypothetical attractiveness of a woman increases exponentially as her skirt:boot ratio approaches zero. Nobel Prize in my future?
he said he wants to do me james and the giant peach style. im afraid of what that means. but moderately excited. wish me luck.
thats the coolest thing thats happened to my vagina since i dated that guy from portugal.
dude, I'm passing out in the fifth floor janitors closet. Let me know when the rooms opened back up
Yeah, it kinda sucks. But it was fun while it lasted. And honestly, his penis is way too big for my life.
only in a texas roadhouse would someone whistle while I was breastfeeding.
She pulled a wad of lint out of my bellybutton while she was blowing me. Said she's never seen anything like it. I've never gone soft so fast.
Let me clarify that those tears were for losing my fuck buddy and his penis, not to the fact that he decided he wanted an actual relationship with feelings.
And then my hands went numb and no one believed me so I started putting peoples cigarettes out on them. Shitty idea i'll tell you that much
Dude, I just hit your nipple with a bottle of lube while you were wearing a shirt, 10 feet away without my glasses and I only have "not bad" aim?
If the guys trying to booty call text me could see me right now in some raggedy pajamas with toothpaste down the front of my shirt eating pepperoni out of the package they might change their minds
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