turns out Discover card thinks that if you spend $450 at four different liquor stores in one evening that the card "must have been stolen"
I Just realized that having a picture folder that says "not for mom" may give off the wrong impression to wondering eyes
It is 8 o'clock in the morning and there is already blood all over one of the stalls in the bathroom. What has your St. Patrick's day done for you?
You are two creepy Justin Bieber quotes away from me not talking to you for the rest of the day
If I had a pelvic thrust emoticon, I would use it
In a min. With a stripper at the hospital. Business. Not pleasure.
You know whats not fun? Making yourself throw up on a sand dune at 4 in the morning.
I booty called her while she was in labor.
It's a given that you're going to get peed on at a country concert
My dad, when he got home and saw me loading a bowl in the living room: "We have TWO beautiful balconies to get high on and you pick the couch?!"
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
Four times in one night? That Energizer bunny outfit lived up to the hype.
I got drunk and tried to make special rice krispie treats, but I made a mess and they were all stuck to my hands, so I just decided to eat my way out of the catastrophe and I think shit's about to get even weirder than usual.
We do have a rich storied history of emotional warfare
Well I kept shouting "you're groovy" at him and then I had a 15-minute argument with the bouncer about how many 9s there are in 100... it was definitely time to go home.
And I broke things off with Justin last night. Except I texted him while he was asleep and then I was like well, that's probably not what he wants to wake up to, so I sent him a picture of the coconut I microwaved and caught on fire when I was really high one time.
Randomize
