I have to get up uber early tomorrow. Which is why I started drinking early today
remember that night jesus turned water into wine? DRUNKER.
i was drunk at family dinner telling about my gay brothers sex ads on criags list
what are u so afraid of ive smelled ur poop before
I just watered my plants with apple juice. Look what you made me do.
he asked me to put his condom on because he couldn't see without his glasses
The only birthday messages I got from men were from my 8th grade boyfriend and the bouncer at our bar. I think I'm doing something wrong in life.
did i mention he attempted to milk her in backseat?
My Valentine's Day plans just drastically changed... My F buddy just ran into my gf...in my driveway.
That does it. We're drinking til we're pirates.
low point in my life last night. licked pizza grease off my iphone screen..
I appreciate you letting me know that the bird died but why didn't you do something about the corpse? or at least give me a heads up that it was still in the cage..Jesus
you have no idea how hungover I am. I can't deal with death right now.
I hope you have irresponsible drunk insurance because you're about to pay a deductible
It's all part of my master plan: have him buy me all I can eat pizza and all I can drink beer AND THEN tell him there was no spark and we're better off as friends.
We've been fucking like crazy ever since she quit her job..ive been running errands all day to stay out of the house and give my dick a day of rest
I hate my life now
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