he's my edward cullen
I am pretty sure Edward Cullen never had an all-day drinking binge topped off with some blow.
Same, I didn't even get to be tarzan this summer
i'm so high that for the last 10 minutes i pretened my sock was a mouse, and played with it like it was legit.
His sex texting was like a step by step guide to the most boring sex ever...
I stole an ensure out of their fridge and started chugging it. That was when Maria made me leave.
what the fuck is a social media consultant, who does she consult for, and how bad is she at it? her facebook account is currently hacked and posting ads for the ipad 2 on my newsfeed
I miss you more than I would miss junk food if I went on a diet. And you've seen me eat, you know how desperate I'd be.
bringing my vibrator into the shower with me. if I don't text back in 30 minutes I have electrocuted myself and died.
May the force be with you.
Some crack addled fool from the sketch ass motel behind the restaurant just gave me a flyer for an AA group when I was on my smoke break. I don't do mornings
LETS THROW SHIT OFF THE PORCH
Well that's very sweet of you. I have a strange feeling you're going to regret this when you sober up.
NO REGRETS FUCK DA POLICE
I finally realized he drank way too much when he tried serenading me to the song "come my lady" while slowly and creepily making his way toward me...keeping constant eye contact.
If you have been drunk at one point during the day and are going to bed sober that same day, something is very wrong.
How high do u want to get? Just kind of high or yelling at swans high...
Swans
Have you had an orgasm with an n95 mask on yet? It was better than being choked.
Randomize
