my boyfriend just named your boyfriend's penis.
Is my tampon string too long for this dress?
He was very impressed that you could put your hair in a ponytail by yourself while throwing up.
I feel like I just gave a blowjob to a freight train.
Sitting in back of morning lecture drinking a daqueri from my pink unicorn cup. Pretty sure the girl next to me smells it.
She was wearing my robin hood hat from Halloween shouting "steal from the rich and give to the poor, mothafuckaaaaas." We are taking her everywhere.
You had one beer and one beer can full of vodka and you took a huge gulp of one of them and called it Emily Roulette
Your roommate from freshman year just had a baby. I think you're winning. Hooray for fifth year seniors!
How am I supposed to be friends with him when there's an exact replica of his dick in my underwear drawer?
There's nothing like telling your girl to hold your pants while peeing on your neighbors door
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
You can't just take out your bong for hits in public places... That's what pipes are for. You've got to be stealthier.
No, it's okay because this is the city of trees.
YOU'VE ALREADY BEEN BUSTED MORE THAN ONCE. THAT'S NOT A VALID EXCUSE FOR BONG HITS IN COFFEE GARDEN
I stopped for beer and woke up to a bird on my shoulder. I really need to stop drinking
What. The. Fuck.
You'll have to be more specific. I do a lot of "what the fuck" kind of stuff
I mean, he’s listed as “Andrew DC Threesome” in my phone. THATS HOW I REMEMBER HIM! How is that not the start of a fairytale?
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