he said i took off my shirt and wrote "help HATI" on my tits, and charged people to motorboat me..... i'd like to say i woke up with 267$ in my purse
Why is your signature on my underwear?
I've never had a better reason to do blow of a Pittsburgh strippers ass than to try and keep pace with my dad.
Doing blow at 6am to "wake myself up for clinicals" was a baaaaad idea
Happiness is the polar opposite of catching your dad watching holiday themed porn
He keeps texting me videos of fish swimming in his fish tank, so I think it's safe to say he's back on weed.
You now have the mental image of me flying off into the sunset with no pants
I am thinking about buying a decorative chest for all our sex stuff....
I was stuffing my vagina with gummy bears last night having him eat them out of me. Team Haribo for the win!
He and I are in a competition of who can sleep with the most people at work. We're tied at two. I could win this if they'd stop hiring damn straight girls.
I know you just got dumped by your gf but believe there is still good in the world. I just smoked a joint and took a fucking unbelievable poop. Give me a call tomorrow.
Sorry, I gave half my brain to my thesis and the other half to mdma
He noticed my new Lipstick so later tonight it's going to be on his dick.
Took an adderall for the first time in a few weeks. Spent 45 minutes peeling an orange TO PERFECTION.
Anything special planned for Valentines Day?
Does testing the strength of my coworker’s marriage count?
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