She pulled a cheeseburger out of her purse. I have missed her so much.
I decided to follow my clitoris instead of my heart.
Ask him about a girl named Meg then give a disappointed and disapproving face.
My autobiography is now tentatively titled "I'm Fucking the DJ, and Other Ways to Party for Cheap"
I almost had to get my pinky cut off. Wow I'm so happy. We won beer olympics so i didnt hahaha
He Facebook stalked his way right into my pants.
Alright, my brain isn't sure how to properly function on a Wednesday with no hangover and more than 3 hours of sleep.
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
From now on I forbid you to refer to it as a "bed". From now on you must only use the phrase "sex wagon".
Evvvvvveryone knows we hooked up in the DJ booth. People call it the BJ booth now. I've created a legacy
She is dumping me if she doesn't get a ring by Valentines. So one more month of free sex and it will be back to the right hand.
It's 1am and I'm on LSD and I have diarrhea in a Dunkin Donuts. Help me
I'm watching Trainwreck with Jeff and realizing that I'm the John Cena in my relationship.
so like
i may have gotten a little bit of blood in the charging port of my phone
I'm doing my accounting homework with my vibrator. Guess whose numbers are balanced on the financial statement? This ladys!
Randomize