I just rubbed my dick on something in your apartment. Can you guess what?
did i by any chance text you anything about feathers last night?
you mean faeutihaers?
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
And as far as being fat goes I just did like 20 minutes of p90x and now i'm eating frosting out of the container....
You would not believe how incredibly hard it is to climb on top of a three story apartment buildings roof from the air conditioning unit
Our idea of a "deep conversation" was successfully forming complete sentences.
No clues in my phone. Only dialed call: my own social security number. And that was before 10:00pm.
No, this place just freaks me out. Like I feel like ill get pregnant just being here. And all those pregnant bellies. It's weird.
So I found out me and this guy I was drinking beer with tonight both got lactated on by the same stripper. We're milk brothers.
I currently look like a drunken mermaid, god I love beach parties.
Hired a new intern today and we have something in common. I blew her boyfriend in high school. Do you think she knows?
Only the sound of Friends and my gulping of wine are masking the sounds of my roommate getting laid
I just delete my bank app from my phone to have enough storage to download tindr. Is this my life now?
Hey bro are you still alive??? I'm sure you are wondering how you ended up laying on the floor at the foot of your bed and why there is a wheelchair by your door....
Just found a pair of vomit-soaked socks in my purse, three days after the party... Now I know why my wallet was wet.
Randomize
