If they made snuggies with a sleeve for my morning wood, id consider buying one...
The only thing i was looking forward to on 4th of july was the google logo and they let me down. That and beer, lots and lots of beer
You need to take one for the team and go bang a random sample of mexicans. Cause my internets broke and I can't google mexican foreskin stats.
Had sex five times today because there was nothing else to do. I had no idea snow days could get even better than when we were kids
She gave me a rubber ducky to make me feel better while I was throwing up.
I have now slept with people from more countries than Ive actually visited. Can we make this a game somehow? Like foreign fuck buddy bingo?
I would say I am sorry for punching you last night, but I found the pictures you took on my camera and it all came rushing back.
Now I get the fucking shakes every time I hear I'm Sexy And I Know It. Thanks, Captain Morgan.
you didn't want to pay for the shots so you negotiated with the bartenders. Apparently 1 shot is worth 5 seconds of motor-boating you.
Thing I actually said tonight: "I want to achieve Ultimate level drunkenness, I'm only at Champion"
apparently when a guy says "if there's anything missing in your life, I will provide" he's not expecting attractive lesbians to be the answer.
my new game is to try to use the phrase "explosion in your mouth". as much as possible on tinder.
I just sang Hey Jude with a homeless man and then we drank beer together. Then I watched asians take pictures under a xmas tree for an hour and fell asleep in an MGM Grand bathroom stall. #AloneinVegas
I threw up in the middle of a bar last night and still managed to get laid! Happy thanksgiving!
I’ve seen not one, but three Facebook articles on my feed today about “how to eat ass”. Idk what the universe is trying to tell me but it’s needs to chill
Randomize