The bubbles in my bathtub are singing to me in german....
he was banged his ex for coke the whole time and is still the best guy so far this year. standards need to be raised.
I told her we could be friends and she said the last time i told her that we had sex behind a bar at 4am
I'm going to have to take an awkward trip to the front desk to ask them if they found a pair of turquoise shorts and an "I'm the Mom" sweatshirt.
Na Im fine, just need to un-grow this vagina I've developed
Dance move was taxi-ing on the runway then taking off in a plane. All the boys wanted to beat you up cause they were like "who is this angel flapping her arms like a bird in the bar i must have her"
You tired to make us "vodka tacos". Which was just you dipping pitas in vodka.
Any good?
Well. FUCK YA. But that's beside the point
Did you feel uncomfortable?
For a little while. Then I got really high and ate a bunch of animal crackers out of some dudes pocket while we chilled on their super comfortable couch.
I think he should just go away to a small penis island and never come back
I woke up at 5am to tell him I wanted to take his dick on la Tour de France, I might need a nap later
I mean like, I missed 30 minutes of star wars to fuck you on Christmas so you must be worth something
Whenever someone said no you would yell "Die Motherfucker." Kind of like some twisted drinking game.
A stripper choked me last night. Then I choked her. Now we're going on a date this Saturday.
If you break up with me one more time it's over.
You need to go! It’s a midwestern wedding - the single girls out there think life ends at 25 if they don’t have a picket fence and family. That’s when your penis introduces himself
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