i carry sandwiches in my pockets more than any normal person should
you rubbed the head of my dick and said "I shall call you Squishy and you shall be mine and you shall be my Squishy."
just puked in a purse in the store. some girl asked if i was gonna buy it now and i laughed and asked her why id want a bag some dude just puked in. her face looked like she saw the devil.
Just so you know, coffee creamer+water does not = milk.
He freaked out when I started to orgasm. He said he never knew girls could orgasm too.
I had to drink heavily last night because I needed to forget that you told me you want to blow my dad.
I will miss his soup and his dick the most
Do you have any idea how hard it is to concentrate on legal issues with the ghost of his giant penis in me?
Rather than admit to myself he's hooking up with her right now, I choose to believe that he's not responding because he's masturbating to my picture, distraught over his poor choice, and trying to forget about the one that got away with a heavy dose of meth.
And on the seventh day, God carefully sculpted your cock to fit perfectly into my masterpiece of a vagina. Then he rested. Look it up.
He's only going to be gone for two weeks
That's two months in gay whore years.
I have a breathe right strip stuck to my forehead, several inexplicable bruises and I think someone tried to paint my nails with glue, but I still have my Santa hat. I'm gonna call this one a success.
She wouldn't eat a clam- if you blow a line pregnant you can eat a clam
Haha I wasn't coming anyway. I'm watching Snow White and don't want to put pants back on. Those are completely unrelated. Have a good night.
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
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