Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
so sad. i just ate the last good 'n' plenty out of the bottom of my purse.
I got it! After our exam we take shots for every question we skipped!!!
I don't wanna die...
You ordered a "mcblizzard" and yelled @ the worker for false advertisement because she didn't flip your "mcblizzard" upsidedown. You wanted it free. I'd say mcdonalds daytime workers need to be trained in dealing with daytime drunks too. She didn't know what to do.
Just found out the guy that gave me herpes died. now everytime I get a flare up, it'll be like he's coming back to say hello
Unless you can cure my hangover with your penis I'm not interested.
Apparently she saw two women get in a slapping match over a comforter at target yesterday. She said it was awesome. Clearly I take after her.
She said she'd heard about my nickname in high school. Apparently sledgehammer isn't as popular as you'd believe...
Your whole purpose in life is to just float around and satisfy lonely women and also join lesbian couples in threesomes.
if i can hear my landlord's phone ring you think be can hear my vibrator?
I just want to make out with him forever
Lost and found: pink cotton underwear next to my bed and soaking wet Reebok socks or boxers in a plastic bag...in my fridge🤔
i just woke up in my dog's bed, on my parents floor, my outfit on backwards, and a bottle of lube poured down my pocket.
Wow first he impregnates you then he won't send you the sex tape you made together? Where has chivalry gone?
2020 sucks, I want a refund
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