The guy I fucked in the port a poty just called me and asked me on a date!
Awkward!
No he was cute and I said yes!
I'm not upset with you; I'm upset with Fox News.
I coulnt tell if he was cumming or if I was throwing up
Just woke up in a hotel next to a 38 year old mom who's married... I think Spring Break has started
I'm drinking with 3 chicks and 1 gay dude. 100% chance I'm getting laid and 75% chance I'll enjoy it.
The moral of the story is do not hire me because everything will end up smelling like pickles and I will not sufficiently clean it up.
Oh dude, thanks for giving me that liquor last night, except replace 'giving' with 'violently forcing'.
I went on my dinner date pretending that my lunch date didn't jizz in my hair.
is there a way to say "yea i broke my wrist cause i fell down some stairs while tripping my face off on acid" without actually saying it?
Ok she stopped using her fork and knife and is legit eating that steak using her hands.
No. You're getting a Viking funeral and I'm pawning your shit.
I drank all the wines... and all th Doritos. Whilst watching Fat Camp. I need to reassess my values.
There are flour footprints all over the house. Either u guys are trying to pull that Paranormal Activity shit on me again, or u got drunk and tried to make pancakes.
Note to self, the correct response when a guy tells you he likes you as a person is not "ew"
Well I told him I’ve got the flu....he said he’d wear a condom
Randomize
