I wanna crawl in your skin and have dreams about Bobby Kennedy tonight.
while you were getting the key to the dorm from the lobby i was giving a drunk monolog to the security camera about my life
Can't decide which I like more. Telling a girl she's pregnant or telling her she has herpes. It's the little things that make medicine tolerable.
Last time i was there we saw the window of the pizza place we were at get busted, we were pulled out of a taxi to be questioned by the cops, and we peed outside a waffle house. I'm in.
Ps I just used the "If you give a mouse a cookie" defense in a real life situation. Suck it
We're having soft pretzels and cheese dip for dinner tonight. Like fucking adults.
no he just sat there holding the hammer and grinning insanely
Had a dream I cut my own dick off. That's it I gotta see a doctor...
Umm
Exactly.
Apparently I took a selfie with fried chicken at 2 am....I'm still trying to figure out where I got the chicken. I thought I was making mac & cheese.
I've lost every trace of self esteem. Even sneaking a BJ in the coffee room has lost it's luster.
I just licked wine off my own thigh. I've hit a new low.
This is like the first time all week I've properly taken my birth control. My ovaries are so stoked I just know it.
You yelled "Shame!" like you were that bitch from Game of Thrones and then hit my balls full force with your sports bra
you can see where the duct tape was on my nipple
See I just want a dick that I don`t have to deal with or talk to unless it is inside me. Is that so much to ask for?
Randomize
